Understanding Love - Does He Really Value Me?
Caring and Not Caring
In the world of love, the thought of "He just doesn't value me at all" may have crossed your mind, maybe even lingered there. So today, I want to share two common traps of thinking and a simple way to help you figure out whether it's just in your head or if your loved one truly doesn't value you.
When the idea of "He just doesn't value me at all" pops into your mind, it means your loved one is making you feel unloved. While this feeling might genuinely indicate that he doesn't value you, it could also be that he does value you, but his actions in certain areas don't align with your expectations. To determine whether he truly doesn't value you, you need to avoid two traps and apply a strategy.
Trap #1 - Comparing to the Honeymoon Phase
The honeymoon phase is a unique period with distinct brain functions, hormones, and behaviors. So, avoid comparing him to how he was during the honeymoon phase. For instance, a woman might say, "When we just started, he would stay up chatting with me until three or four in the morning, never hanging up my calls. But that one night, we only talked until around 1 am, and he said it was too late. He even hung up on me once. I feel like he doesn't value me anymore." In this example, it doesn't necessarily mean the man doesn't value her; it's just that she's comparing him to the honeymoon phase, and such comparisons should be avoided.
Trap #2 - Comparing to Others
Each person expresses and receives love differently, so avoid judging whether your loved one values you based on specific behaviors compared to others. For instance, someone might get upset with their boyfriend after reading online information, saying, "You don't value me at all. Now I know that how you celebrate birthdays reflects how much you value your girlfriend. On my birthday, you only bought a cake and had a regular dinner. Others give gifts or go on trips. So, you don't value me at all." This example involves comparing specific behaviors to others and should also be avoided.
How to judge?
Judge based on your loved one's habits. Using late-night chats as an example, if your boyfriend can chat until 3 or 4 am with family, friends, or even ex-girlfriends, but with you, he finds 1 am too late, then perhaps he genuinely doesn't value you. However, if he considers 10 pm late when talking to family, and all his friends have experienced late-night calls from him, then chatting with you until 1 am, even with one call cut short due to an emergency, indicates he values you. So, it's essential to judge based on that person's habits.
In conclusion, whether someone values you or not should be judged based on their habits. I want to emphasize again that everyone is unique, so take the time to understand your significant other better. Misunderstandings will naturally decrease, and your sense of happiness will increase.
Recommendation for Reading
Jessica Ao (2023). Understanding Love on The Subconscious Level: Decoding Behavior to Find Your Perfect Partner. Beyond Ego.