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The Myth of Breaking Up Due to Unbridgeable Differences



Many couples, either on the verge of ending a relationship or already separated, often express phrases like "the differences between my partner and me are just too significant," "we simply can't overcome these differences," or "I can no longer tolerate our incompatible perspectives." These statements reflect the idea that the disparities between two individuals lead to too much pain, causing those who once deeply loved each other to no longer want to be together.

Misconceptions about Love: Differences vs. Common Ground

A common misconception in love is the belief that finding someone with shared interests, values, and easy compatibility guarantees a happy life together. While this notion is sounds good, reality often proves otherwise. The spark, love, and connection between two people don't solely stem from shared interests; instead, it often emerges from the differences and subconscious incompatibilities.

In most cases, the stronger the initial spark, the more the differences occur over time. These differences may not be apparent at the initial stages of falling in love; some couples experience intolerable differences within 2-3 months, while for others, it may take 10 to 20 years for these disparities to surface. Therefore, both happily ever after couples and those who choose to part ways inevitably face various differences – a normal aspect of relationships.

The Truth behind "Incompatibility"

As having many differences are normal, using "incompatibility" as a reason to end a relationship is analogous to a heterosexual person seeking a same-sex partner in love.

For instance, consider a scenario where a man is romantically involved with a woman. Despite their different genders, which is a perfectly normal combination, accumulated unhappiness may lead them to mistakenly attribute their difficulties to gender differences. Consequently, the man might say, "Our genders are different, and that's why it's challenging for us. I've decided to break up and find a man as my partner because only a man can understand another man."

This may sound unusual, doesn't it? When "incompatibility" is used as a reason for a breakup, it's similar to a heterosexual person seeking a same-sex partner in love.

Love's Trauma: Unraveling the Roots of Incompatibility

The issues that accumulate in a relationship, causing difficulty in getting along, stem from deep-seated traumas within both individuals. These traumas impact the messaging system, hormonal system, brain neural pathways, etc., directing focus and attention towards negative emotions. Unbeknownst to individuals, these traumas lead to the creation of negative emotions and pain in a relationship instead of love. The subconscious, in an effort to protect, obscures this pain and the negative emotions related to the absence of love. Consequently, pain accumulates over time, reaching an unbearable point where the rational mind presents reasons such as "our differences are too significant" or "we cannot overcome these differences," facilitating an exit from the painful relationship.

However, most people remain unaware of these love traumas because the subconscious adeptly conceals them. These traumas can originate from childhood experiences like corporal punishment, neglect, or adult experiences such as betrayal, deception, and bullying, resulting in various forms of love deficiency.

Healing Traumas: Embracing the Power of Love

The key to resolving these traumas lies in consistently elevating the feelings of love and positive experiences in the relationship. It requires daily efforts and attention to avoid creating negative emotions, even on days when one may feel tired or frustrated with their partner.

Various methods can be employed, and one such approach is discussed in my other article titled " Do This Every Day for a Long and Happy Marriage." By cultivating feelings of love over the long term, issues of incompatibility cease to be problematic, and the relationship enters a deeper level of love and understanding.


Jessica Ao



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